Santa has big plans to release a story about himself right before Christmas, revealing his true nature as a vampire. He decides the best advanced publicity comes from reality stories and enlists Simon the Elf, a captive former human, to hit Chicago for the holidays and strike up a romance.

Santa wants Simon to document the whole thing, so they can give people a taste for life under Santa's enslavement before the main story hits. Forced to the Second City against his will, Simon at first resists Santa's orders, knowing a romance would be short lived at best, and at worst bring some innocent victim into Santa's evil orbit.

But Simon failed to reckon with the charm and wit of Jonah, a hot guy he meets his first night on the town. Falling hard, Simon takes up with his new love despite knowing the awful choice ahead of him. Santa's Kinky Elf, Simon, tells you this tragic love story in the elf's own words.